Commando Episode 2: The
Phantom Bennett
(Suggested by
Col_John_Matrix on IMDB.com)
A LONG TIME AGO IN AN ARNIE
MOVIE FAR FAR AWAY:
Luke Matrixwalker is searching the basement of Arius' Death Star. Out of
nowhere Darth Bennett appears holding Princess Jenny and shoots
Matrixwalker in the arm with a blaster. Matrixwalker hides behind a
wall:
Darth Bennett: "Luke? Stick your head out Luke! I'll make it quick...One
shot, right between the eyes!"
Matrixwalker: "Stop screwing around and let the Princess go! It's me
that you want!"
Bennett: "hahahahaha...."
LM: "Come on Bennett. Throw away that chickenshit blaster....you're
strong with the Dark Side, you want to stick a Lightsabre in me!"
DB: "I can beat you Luke! You're not a Jedi yet!"
LM: "Come on Bennett, let's party!"
DB: "I don't need the Princess! I don't need the blaster! I'M GONNA KILL
YOU NOW!!!"
After a long lightsabre fight Matrixwalker electricutes Bennett with
Force Lightning, which only powers him up! Luke is beaten to the ground
by a furious Bennett:
"Oh Luke I feel good! I can feel the Force flowing through me, just like
old times! You're a dead man Luke!"
LM: "Buuuullllsh*t!"
Luke beats Bennett back with a flurry of punches...Bennett pulls a
blaster rifle out and gets ready to shoot Luke:
"I'm not going to shoot you between the eyes! I'm going to shoot you
between the balls!"
Suddenly General Kirby's spirit appears and urges Luke to "Use the
Force, silently and smoothly just like always". Quickly Luke hurls a
pipe at Bennett using the power of the force, which kills Bennett and
hits the Death Stars reactor core. Luke rescues the Princess and escapes
in a Sea Plane before the Death Star explodes. Cue cheesy 80's rock
music.
T4: Rise Of The Bennett
(Suggested by
Col_John_Matrix on IMDB.com)
The film starts in the
future, when mankind led by Jenny Matrix (it turns out that John Connor
didn't actually lead the resistance, he was juts a decoy) destroys
skynet and defeats the machines. However they discover that just before
skynet was destroyed it sent back it's most powerful, terrifying,
unstoppable killing machine yet...and this time it is targeted on Jenny,
with the mission to kill her in the year 1985. Jenny re-programmes the
Terminator (that the machines modeled on her dad) and sends it back in
time to protect her....
===============================
Cut to: 1985. Scene: A village people concert
There is a bright flash...revealing the T-B(ennett). T-B scans the area
(we see it through his eyes, the red display). There is a small group of
men on their way to a village people concert, looking at the nude T-B
with puzzled expressions. Through the red point of view shot we see the
T-B checking his mission parameters:
"PRIORITY 1) Acquire camp clothing
PRIORITY 2) Terminate Jenny Matrix"
He walks up to the group of men and scans them to try and find suitable
clothes:
1st man: Rejected - wrong size
2nd man: Rejected - ugh! No thanks. Think I'll give it a pass.
3rd man: Rejected - not camp enough
4th man: Scanning...match.
T-B: "Give me your clothes"
Man: "What? Go f*** yourself, *beep*!"
T-B: "Give me your clothes, and shut your mouth!"
=============================
Cut to: Matrix's log cabin.
A young Jenny and John Matrix are outside enjoying life, feeding deers,
eating ice cream, chopping wood etc. when suddenly there is a bright
flash of lightning.
Jenny: "What was that?"
Matrix: "Go to yuhr ruhm und hide! Ah'll investigate"
Matrix looks into his shed, and sees the Terminator standing there. The
Terminator briefly explains what is going on....
Terminator: "We have to go. There isn't much time. The T-B will try to
aquire Jenny here. I don't know if I can stop him."
Matrix: "Der T-B? What do you meen?"
Terminator: "He is an advanced prototype. He has all the strength of
Bennett, yet none of his weaknesses. His liquid metal chainmail vest
makes him invincible to pipes and steam."
Bennett And Louise
(Suggested by
stevealmost on IMDB.com)
A moving drama/road movie
where Gina Davis and Bennett travel across America after Bennett
accidentally kidnaps the police chiefs daughter (Milano) who was
attempting to rape Davis in a car park. The movie spirals out of control
when Bennett enlists the Colombian military to help cover their tracks
and prevent police chief Matrix catching up with them.
Another good scene is where Bennett is seduced by a passing cowboy
(Pitt) who then tries to steal his chain mail vest.
At the end, instead of ramping off a cliff, Bennett tells Davis they can
make it gesturing to the huge pipe and steam factory up ahead... the
rest is history.
When Harry Met Bennett
(Suggested by
stevealmost on IMDB.com)
I see this movie as an awkward cinematic fusion of adult romantic comedy
and the 80s action movie. It will be co-directed by Rob Reiner and James
Cameron.
The movie opens with a title card telling us the year is 1985. We then
see a brief flashback to the ending of Commando. We see the infamous
‘Let off some steam, Bennett’ moment. "Leave anything for us" asks Major
Kirby (James Olson) on the beach. "Just bodies" replies Matrix. But no!
We cut to a scene where we see Bennett pulling the pipe out of his
chest. It appears the chain mail limited the damage. Kirby's troops
storm the boiler room but Bennett is gone. We see him crawl toward
Matrix’s discarded rubber-dingy, steal it and paddle off into the
sunset, cackling maniacally...
Then we cut to a title card telling us the year is 1977. Thus begins the
Rob Reiner section. We see Bennett, as a college student, hitch a ride
with Harry (Billy Crystal) to New York. During their road trip, Harry
continuingly argues that "a man and another man, especially one with a
handlebar moustache, can’t ever be friends. It will always be
underpinned by a desire to have sex." Bennett, still in denial about his
blatant homosexuality, claims this is nonsense. They arrive in New York
and go their separate ways.
After several failed relationships, they meet up again in 1982 and have
a few arguments, mainly about the whole issue of whether men can be
friends with other men with handlebar moustaches without wanting sex.
They go their separate ways, but in 1984, Bennett joins to leave the
army and become a bloodthirsty killer in Matrix’s (who he secretly
loves) unit. The rest of this story can be found in Commando (1985)
The next title card comes up and tells us the year is 1987. Bennett,
having survived Matrix’s pipe attack, returns to New York, meets up with
Harry again and they become inseparable friends. They discuss
relationships and sex a lot (which reaches its embarrassing high when
Bennett demonstrates how to fake an orgasm in a restaurant) but don’t
actually realize they are in love. One night, Bennett finds out that
Matrix, his former love, has remarried (to Rae Dawn Chong). He calls
Harry round and, after many tears, they end up making passionate man
love.
This ruins their relationship for a few months but, at a New Year party,
they realize they are soul mates. They want to marry immediately and can
think of no better place to do so than San Francisco. However, the newly
elected Governor Matrix of California (Schwarzenegger) is a well-known
homophobe (as we know from his ‘Girl George’ comments in Commando) and
won’t tolerate gay marriage in his jurisdiction. His solution is to make
homosexuality illegal in his state. Horrified Bennett storms the
Governor’s house and kidnaps Jenny (yes, again!), hides out on Alcatraz
Island and hires an army of South American bandits. Matrix is given
ransom demands. Either revoke the legislation outlawing homosexuality
within the next 10 hours, or you’ll never see Jenny again.
Matrix, never one for negotiations, paddles his way across the San
Francisco Bay (in a dingy and, of course, wearing Speedos) and proceeds
to massacre hundreds of bandits as he stomps around Alcatraz with an
array of deadly weapons. This culminates, of course, with the second
great boiler room brawl between Matrix and Bennett.
And…that’s as far as I’ve got. Any endings/alterations/suggestions for
stupid quips would be much appreciated. To be continued...
Pretty In Chain Mail
(Suggested by
Captain_Scumbag on IMDB.com)
After the box office smash that was ‘When Harry Met Bennett’, a whole
new cinematic genre, the gay-rom-com-blast-em-up, was born. Following in
its footsteps is "Pretty In Chain Mail", co-directed by John Hughes and
John McTiernan.
Set in 1986, Vernon Wells stars as Bennett, a teenager from the wrong
side of the tracks. Abandoned by his mother and left stranded with a
dead-beat, alcoholic father, Bennett has little money and relies on
thrift stores for clothing. Feeling that it will suit his image as a
bohemian-cum-punk, he buys a $3 pair of leather pants and a £1.50 chain
mail vest.
This attire leads most people at his school to ridicule him. Not only is
he poor but he now also has the gayest outfit in the entire school.
Suffice to say this is the mid-eighties and middle-America ignorance
still believes that all gay people have HIV/ AIDS and thus homophobia is
rife. However, despite merciless bullying, Bennett manages to attract
two admirers.
The first of these is Duckie (Anthony Michael Hall), Bennett’s best
friend who makes no secret of the fact that he is dangerously obsessed
with Bennett, especially his leather pants. He comes out with disturbing
comments like ‘Can I admire your pants again today.’ Normally, Bennett
would take out a restraining order, but Duckie is the only friend he’s
got and so puts up with it.
The other admirer is Blaine Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger), the most
popular rich-kid in the entire school. He is the leader of a whole group
of polo shirt wearing, Republican voting, homophobes (also in the gang
is James Spader, Andrew McCarthy and the kid who played Zack Morris in
Saved By The Bell), who are largely responsible for the daily bullying
of Bennett. But Blaine can’t help it. There’s just something about this
Bennett, or at least something about his leather pants. Although it
alienates him from his friends and breaks several social mores, he asks
Bennett out on a date, much to the disgust of Duckie.
Who will Bennett take to the high school prom? Who cares! Bill Duke is
hired by Duckie to assassinate Blaine Matrix. There’s an epic car-chase,
which ends when Blaine pulls into a cheap motel. Dropping the guns, they
slug it out inside a cheap motel room in an extended homage to the scene
in Commando. Duke ends up impaled on another spike, and Blaine, knowing
Duckie is behind the attempted hit, speeds his porch back towards town.
However, Duckie has kidnapped Bennett and taken him to a tropical island
and has hired another South American army of bandits. Blaine Matrix
paddles his Speedo-wearing ass out to that island in an inflatable
dingy, arms himself with every weapon under the sun and proceeds to
slaughter the army of bandits. This culminates in a showdown in a boiler
room.
////
(Duckie appears in front of Blaine, holding a gun to Bennett’s head)
Blaine Matrix: Come on, Duckie, let the Bennett go. It’s me that you
want.
Duckie: Actually, no its not. I actually want Bennett, not you.
Blaine Matrix: Then why are you holding a gun to his head?
Duckie: Bennett loves you. If I can’t have him, no one can. So, either
leave this island immediately or I will shoot between the eyes. One
shot.
Blaine Matrix. Come on, Duckie, throw away that chickenshit gun. Put the
knife in me. See what’s going on when you turn it.
Duckie: You must think I’m fucking insane. You’re played by Arnold
Schwarzenegger, and I’ve seen Commando. You’re a killing machine. What
man would seriously be dumb enough to think he could take you in
armed-to-armed combat. Anyone who would be that deluded would –
Bennett: Shut you mouth Duckie. He only had one arm.
Duckie: What?
Bennett: Matrix only had one arm. When I dropped the gun and fought him,
he only had one arm. I could have beat him. I would have too, were it
not for that pipe.
Duckie: What pipe? What are you talking about.
Blaine Matrix: This pipe
(Blaine rips a pipe off the wall, and throws it at Duckie impaling him,
and causing some steam to come out of his body)
Blaine Matrix: Let off some steam, Duckie.
Bennett: Hold on, you can’t use that one-liner again. You’ve already
used it on me.
Blaine. You’re right. (ponders...) We could toss him in this incinerator
and make a witty remark about roast Duckie! Ha-Ha-Ha!!!
Bennett: No, that’s just not funny.
Blaine Matrix: Don’t blame me, Bennett. Captain Scumbag is writing this
shit.
Bennett: Yeah, what is it with that Captain Scumbag fool? This is the
second gay lover story/ action movie he’s written for us in as many
days. Perhaps he is gay?
Blaine Matrix: Who knows?. Come on Bennett, we’ve got a prom to go to.
(They walk off into the sunset as ‘We Fight For Love’ by Power Station
plays as the credits role)
Sleepless In Seattle 2
(Suggested by
Diagoro on IMDB.com)
Hanks is a recent widower who is seeking someone new. Hanks' son Jonah,
is also looking for a new mother, so when Jonah puts his father on
national radio, hundreds of women write to him. One of the "women" is
Bennett. He's engaged to Matrix, but he's always away on commando
missions. Bennett goes to great lengths to meet Hanks, eventually
meeting him on top of the Empire State Building. Hanks, shocked that
Bennett is really a mustached gay mercenary and not a demure blond
woman, runs away to Seattle. Bennett, enraged, puts an evil plan into
action. "I have an edge, I have his son." Bennett kidnaps Jonah and
offers Hanks an ultimatum.. his son for bum love. Hanks, emotionally
distraught by the blackmail never sleeps again. Jonah grows up to be
Bennett's son.
(Quote from Empire Magazine)
"Following 'Sleepless in Seattle 2' was a hard job for Hanks and
Bennett. They tried to kindle their chemistry once more in 'You've got
Chainmail' but it was a box office flop. Despite this set back Hanks and
Bennett still enjoy their careers as the cream of Hollywood. Hanks is
set to star in another crap family film while Bennett will be starring
in the upcoming blockbuster remake of Spartacus. 'I was born for this
role' says Bennett" (Empire 2004)
* The
Following are all from
Col_John_Matrix
on IMDB.com *
Bennetts Of The
Caribbean: The Curse Of The Chainmail Vest
Swashbuckling adventure. Captain John Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger)
must sail the high seas in pursuit of the evil Capt. Bennett, who has
kidnapped his daughter. Capt. Bennett is holding Jenny Matrix to ransom,
to blackmail Matrix, as Capt. Matrix is the only one who has the
strength to hurl the ancient Aztec Golden Pipe through Bennett's cursed
Chainmail vest, and therefore lift the zombie-curse that haunts Bennett
and his ship, The Freddie Mercury.
=========================
Bennett and the Chainmail Factory
Childrens adventure, loosly based on Charlie and the Chocolate factory.
Bennett is a child who lives in poverty in Austrailia, who one day finds
a magical Golden ticket wrapped inside the Chainmail vest he got for his
birthday. He then embarks on a wonderful adventure inside the Chainmail
factory, owned by the reclusive and mysterious General Kirby.
=========================
Four Weddings and a Chainmail Vest/Four pipes and a funeral
The Full Bennett
Bennett, Actually
For a fistful of Chainmail
Citizen Bennett
Confessions of a Dangerous Bennett
A fish called Bennett
Men in Bennett (ugh) / Men in chainmail
John Matrix Reloaded
Spider-Bennett
=========================
Bennett Gump
Obvious Jenny
references...."My mom always said that life was like a chainmail vest.
Y'never know what you're gonna get"
"Run Bennett, run!"
"That looks like a real comfy chainmail vest."
"Want a chainmail vest?"
"My name's Bennett, Bennett Gump"
=========================
Ben-nett-Hur
One flew over the chainmail vest
Bond films:
For Bennett's eyes only
The man with the Golden chainmail
From Bennett with love
Bennett never dies
The moustache is not enough
The Bennett who loved me
A view to a Bennett
Butch Bennett and the Matrix kid
Bennettspotting
Twelve angry Bennetts
Apocalypse Bennett
Driving Miss Bennett
Matrix and Bennett's Excellent Adventure
Matrix and Bennett's Bogus Journey
2001:Links of chainmail
Chainmail Reaction
Much ado about Bennett
Bennett versus the volcano
Alien Vs. Bennett
Bennett Scissorhands
Close encounters of the Bennett kind
Vernon Wells and the Temple of Chainmail
I,Bennett
Fear and loathing
in Val Verde
The Hitchhikers guide to Val Verde
Dude, where's my chainmail?
and saving the best for last.....The Texas Chainmail Massacre
